A Letter From The Penis

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
>> (1) I do physical labor.
> (2) I work at great depths.
> (3) I plunge head first into everything I do.
> (4) I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
> (5) I work in a damp environment.
> (6) I don't get paid overtime.
> (7) I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
> (8) I work in high temperatures.
> (9) My work exposes me to contagious disease.
>> Thank you for considering my request.

> The Penis> :-)))


>>>> In Response:
>> Dear Mr. Penis,
> After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
> raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
> reasons:
>>> (1) You do not work 8 hours straight.
> (2) You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
> (3) You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
> (4) You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.
> (5) You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and>stimulated in order to start working.
> (6) You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
> (7) You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as >wearing the correct protective gear.
> (8) It's doubtful you'll work until the normal retirement age of 65.
> (9) You're unable to work double shifts.
> (10) You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.
> (11) And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering>and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

>> Sincerely,
>> The Management

Women talk vs men talk..

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally..... A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside